Marry If You Must
by KLMeri
Summary: Apparently it's a known constant of the universe Spock is supposed to marry humans. Crack!fic.


**Title**: Marry If You Must (But Do Not Tarry)  
**Author**: klmeri  
**Fandom**: Star Trek AOS  
**Pairing**: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy  
**Summary**: Apparently it's a known constant of the universe Spock is supposed to marry humans. Crack!fic.  
**A/N**: I wrote this because I can. And because it's ridiculous and funny and a tiny bit serious. XD

* * *

When Spock learned his alternate reality self was married (or had been married in another universe, which altogether equated to another existence) he did not know what to think. Furthermore when the older, stranger version of himself informed Spock he was married to that other universe's version of the human Leonard McCoy... well, Spock could not think at all. No such thought process computed. It was too illogical. And as circumstance would have it, Spock learned his alternate reality self was married to the alternate reality McCoy in the presence of none other than said doctor.

...By which he meant his doctor, not the would-be-mated-to-a-Vulcan doctor that apparently existed. Somewhere.

But definitely not _here_.

Illogical.

He said the word to make his point: "Totally... illogical."

On the viewscreen, unmoved by his younger counterpart's disbelief, was Ambassador Spock. (Spock tended not to use the identity Selek when not necessary for reasons he cared to express to no one.) The elder Vulcan simply looked on before turning his attention past Spock to say, "You do not look well, Doctor." Then he suggested, "Spock, perhaps you should aid him in finding a seat."

It sounded as though his older self assumed he would be obeyed. Except, after Spock gave the viewscreen an unforgiving stare, he looked at McCoy and decided the human did appear unwell. Spock crossed the short distance of his quarters' main cabin and tilted the swaying man toward a chair.

"If you need to expel the contents of your stomach," he said, "I will assist you to the nearest facility."

McCoy paled further and collapsed back onto the empty seat. Then he placed his head between his knees and moaned.

Spock returned to the computer's viewscreen, his tone almost accusatory. "I do not understand the relevance of your marital status, Ambassador. We did not solicit that information."

It must be due to a glitch in the small viewscreen that the lines at the corners of the ambassador's mouth seemed to deepen. That would be a not-unexpected reaction from a human, if the human were amused. Spock was quite disturbed.

However, when the ambassador spoke, he did so with a gravity that belied any suspicion of good humor. "You fail to appreciate my reasoning, Spock, because you have not yet allowed me to explain why I imparted such information to you."

"Please do so at this time."

"Certainly," agreed his counterpart. "First, might I recommend you confirm the well-being of the ship's Chief Medical Officer?"

A small muscle almost spasmed in Spock's cheek but he mastered control of it. Facing McCoy, he asked, "Have you fainted, Doctor?" The mumbled response was in the negative. Spock resumed staring at the grey-haired Vulcan who stared back, clearly unrepentant for his choice of priorities.

Spock willed the return of his patience. "Dr. McCoy is with us. Continue."

"In my universe, the descendants of the Kazon were, as you deduced, unwilling to agree to the treaty and subsequently to any mining rights to their twin moons that the Federation desired. The _Enterprise_ had to negotiate a different set of terms to appease both parties. One of our concessions resulted in my marriage to Dr. McCoy."

It did not take a telepathic touch for Spock to sense the fondness which accompanied those words.

"Like you, _nu'riveh_, my initial reaction was to consider such a concept to be... illogical. My captain convinced me otherwise by appealing to my sense of duty. He made a particular reference I did not comprehend, not until some years afterward, to 'think of the Motherland.'" After a short pause, in which Spock furrowed his brow, Ambassador Spock added, "I would explain its meaning but I highly doubt you would find it enlightening at this time."

Dr. McCoy's head shot up from between his knees. "I'm not marrying Spock for the sake of some damn treaty!"

"I understand your shock, Dr. McCoy, but please calm yourself. There is more I might tell you: Dr. McCoy was not selected to be my marriage partner—I was chosen to be his. The Kazon and their descendants held a special reverence for healers. That reverence became true devotion when the doctor saved the life of one of the younglings belonging to a royal family. In addition, it was a superstition among the race that blue eyes signified the favor of the gods, and such individuals required special protection. Given a combination of these two facts, they believed our doctor was at great risk if he remained unwed and by subsequent thinking, wished him to have the strongest of potential mates. As the only Vulcan among a landing party of humans, my physical superiority meant I was the natural choice to act as his protector."

Though the explanation was straightforward, Spock had some difficulty grasping it. The first sensible thought that came to him, he voiced: "By the laws of the Federation, the marriage would not be legal."

"That would be true, were it not that Captain Kirk officiated the wedding in conjunction with a native priest. Dr. McCoy and I discovered later that to annul the marriage proved troublesome, for no two agencies of the many which we contacted could agree upon the extent to which the marriage contract was binding. There came a point where Leonard—" the Vulcan corrected himself almost too leisurely, "—Dr. McCoy said the paperwork and 'tail-chasing' was not worth the headache it caused. Given that only Jim and two of our alpha bridge crew were present during the ceremony, we felt the matter could be kept private... and eventually forgotten."

The human behind Spock inhaled audibly. "You make it sound like that wasn't the case."

"I feel it imprudent to give you further details, Doctor. You must remember that my experiences are not necessarily Spock's, as the experiences of my Dr. McCoy will not necessarily mirror your own."

"Then what was the point in telling us about—about _that!_"

"I did so because you asked in what context I remember the Kazon's descendants. Simply stated, I associate them with my first marriage."

"First?" McCoy repeated, sounding weak.

"There were others," said the ambassador.

"Elaboration will be unnecessary," Spock interjected. "Thank you for your time, Ambassador, and I apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused in your day's schedule. We will... ruminate on the matter and contact you if we have other questions."

The elder Vulcan matched his even stare. "I would offer you one last remark, Spock."

Spock inclined his head ever-so-slightly.

"In one's life, it is said that which is most valued is often the most underappreciated. The converse is also true. This I did not comprehend until I began my second century—and I have always regretted I had not known it sooner." He lifted his right hand in the Vulcan salutation. "That is all I wished to say. Live long and prosper, Spock."

Spock returned the salutation, if with a little less heart, then cut the communication. For almost a full minute, he and McCoy said nothing to one another. Then the doctor levered himself out of his chair and turned for the closed door.

"This need not be mentioned to the Captain."

McCoy said, staring at his boots, "This doesn't need to be mentioned again, period, because it's not going to happen. You'll take me off the roster for the landing party."

"And if the Captain objects?"

"Then think of something, Spock. That's what you do best." With those final words, the doctor left.

On the day of the diplomatic mission was to begin, Spock did in fact think of something. If the CMO had an opinion on the impromptu medical inspection required of the Science department, he never spoke of it to Spock. Jim, it could be said, did look momentarily disappointed when Spock informed him Dr. McCoy was unavailable.

Then the captain shrugged. "I doubt Bones is sad about it."

"Indeed," Spock replied as they arranged themselves on the transporter pad. He knew that truth for certain.

* * *

Leonard stalked past Transporter Room 2 for the third time in a half-hour when the call finally came in that the landing party was beaming aboard. Word was the mission had been a success, and the treaty was signed—another positive mark for Jim's erstwhile captaincy.

Leonard felt guilty about the whole thing. He didn't know why; he just did.

He was waiting to the side of the pad with arms crossed when the swirls of energy that were the molecules of Jim, Spock, Sulu and Uhura reformed. Sulu was smiling. That might have struck Leonard as odd if he hadn't only had attention for Spock.

"How'd it go?" he asked the Vulcan First Officer, tone brusque out of anxiety.

But Spock did not answer; instead he stepped off the pad and headed wordlessly for the exit and the corridor beyond. Leonard frowned. Sulu also left the transporter pad, casting a sidelong glance at Uhura while he did so. Then he offered to Jim, "Congratulations again, sir" and hurried off at a speed that suggested an impatience to be elsewhere. Uhura followed Sulu at a leisurely pace.

Jim's face, which was unusually red, had turned redder in Sulu and Uhura's wake. He caught Leonard staring and muttered, "Apparently Kazons worship blue eyes?" like it was a question and not a statement of fact.

"Oh god," Leonard said, and wished he wasn't always so quick to connect the dots.

Jim dropped down to the floor-level. "Bones, you busy? Wait, scratch that. You wouldn't be here if you were busy. Let's get a drink. No, three drinks. A _day_ of drinking."

Leonard cut into his friend's rambling with a second heartfelt "Oh god."

"No gods, just alcohol. Lots of it."

Leonard caught Kirk's arm. "Jim, did... Spock... you and...?"

Jim looked at him, wide-eyed and still flushed. "Are marriages on away missions legal?"

Leonard let go of Jim's arm. "Damn it, I'm such an idiot!"

"Uhura said we had to do it. Why would she say that, Bones?" Jim put a hand to his forehead and groaned. "Oh shit, it's because I teased her about Scotty bringing her lunch, isn't it? Idiot—idiot, idiot, _idiot!_"

"No, I'm the idiot, kid. I should've—"

"If you're an idiot, then I'm _really_ an idiot."

"—gigantic idiot!"

"—_idiot_—"

Grin suppressed, the transporter tech carefully slipped around the captain and doctor, leaving them to an empty room and their nonsensical debate. He made straight for Engineering. Nobody thought to stop him.

* * *

Two days later, Spock received a private comm, senior officer to senior officer. It read: _Jim says you're embarrassed._

He deleted it. Another one immediately took its place.

_But I think it's fairly obvious you're sulking._

Spock deleted that one, too.

_Normally I reserve this for Jim but—quit being a baby and man up, Spock. Or Vulcan up. Whichever applies._

He almost broke the delete button. Several seconds passed. Nothing happened. Spock returned to his data analysis. No sooner than he had activated the word processor, the computer chimed with an incoming message.

_Remember, it could've been worse. You could've married me._

Spock considered that thought for some time before replying, _From my standpoint, the difference seems negligible._

_And this is why Jim's too good for you!_

Spock did not respond to that because he knew he would have to agree.

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait... you want to _what?_"

Leonard pursed his mouth. "Send me down, Jim."

Jim looked at his CMO like he'd grown a second head.

"I'm not joking, Captain! Send me down! There's been a mistake."

"What kind of mistake?"

"Damn it, kid, stop asking so many questions and just do it!"

"Okay," Jim said, pushing off of the mini-bar in his quarters where he'd spent more time than normal in the last few days, "first, let's get something straight: _I'm_ the captain. I give orders, you take them, not vice versa, Dr. McCoy. Second, the mission's done. You don't have a valid reason for a surface trip or to justify contact, and you know it. So tell me what's going on with you, Bones."

Leonard took a second to consider lying. He realized it wouldn't do him any good. "The short of it is you married Spock—"

"—technically space-married. Might not even be a real thing."

"Marriage always is, so shut up and listen, Jim. You married Spock _in my place_."

Jim gave Leonard a strange look. Then he walked up to McCoy and laid a concerned hand on his friend's shoulder. "Did you finish that last shot of Saurian brandy? I told you not to finish it."

"I'm not drunk!"

"Bones, maybe you should lie down. Look, my bed's right over there—"

"_Jim_," growled Leonard, aggravated. "For god's sake, SPOCK WAS SUPPOSED TO MARRY ME!"

Jim shut his mouth and jerked back. "Oh," he said after a minute.

Leonard frowned at that lackluster response.

"Oooh," said Jim, carefully drawing out the word the second time he said it. Then it was Kirk's turn to frown. "Bones, why didn't you tell me you liked Spock?" He raked a hand through his hair. "I have to admit, I didn't see that coming."

"I don't like Spock!" Leonard objected, rather frightened by the notion.

Jim held up both hands, palms outward. "I'm not one to judge. Believe me, I'm not. I might even like Spock a little—just a little!" Jim assured him quickly. He lowered his hands.

They stared at each other.

Finally Jim cleared his throat. "...So, yeah, great talk. Ask me again."

"Will you send me down?"

"Absolutely," agreed Leonard's captain. "I'll come with you. Let's get me annulled and you hitched."

Leonard started to nod, only to hesitate. "Should we tell Spock first?"

Jim looped an arm around McCoy's shoulders. "It's only a change in names on a document he won't acknowledge exists. Do you think he will care?"

Leonard thought about Spock's earlier missive. "I doubt it."

"Yeah," Jim said more quietly, "me too."

* * *

"Allow me to parse the events, Captain." The Vulcan's tone was bordering on frigid. "You and Dr. McCoy beamed down to the planet's surface without proper security measures or accompanying officers."

Leonard slumped low into his seat. Jim just said, "Hey, Captain's prerogative."

Spock's eyebrows nearly formed a bridge. "You beamed down with the intention of re-negotiating the terms of a previously established agreement _without_ notifying all relevant parties."

"I think he's mad we didn't take him along," stage-whispered Leonard to Jim. Jim sighed.

"When the natives refused to retract their conditions, you then did not return to the ship as logic would dictate. Instead you issued a challenge."

"Jim's idea," inputs the doctor.

"Bones!"

"Just sayin'."

"See, here's the thing, Spock. It wasn't like we said we—"

Spock focused on McCoy and rode right over Jim's speech. "Dr. McCoy, explain to me why you felt it necessary to fight a man twice your size and strength."

"Well..." began Leonard. He shifted the strap of the sling around his left arm. "Like Jim said, here's the thing: it wasn't _supposed_ to be a fight. We challenged them on the basis that I could _heal_ better than any of their healers. 'Course, without Uhura, there might have been a misunderstanding in the translation."

"They thought Bones was claiming to self-heal—which meant he had to break something first. Hence the fight."

Spock switched his attention back to Kirk. Jim sounded perfectly, reasonably sane, if one discounted the swollen eye and busted lip.

"And this would be why you joined in," the Vulcan finished.

"Had to. The guy was huge."

Leonard reached over and patted Jim's hand with his un-injured one. "My hero," he drawled.

Jim grinned in his direction. "For you, Bones, anytime."

It seemed kind of strange that Spock's nostrils flared. Leonard withdrew his hand from Jim's and pointed out, "You really ought to let me see about his face, Spock."

"In due time, Doctor."

Even coming from a Vulcan that sounded ominous. "If that due time doesn't come soon, I might not be able to make him pretty again."

Jim opened his good eye really wide. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

Jim turned a horrified expression upon Spock. "I declare a medical emergency!"

The Vulcan looked between the humans far too slowly. "What was the outcome?"

Jim subsided and gave a little shrug, a smile playing about the corners of his mouth.

Leonard answered in his captain's stead. "Apparently we impressed upon them Jim didn't want me to die and I can get very upset when Jim is in danger of having his face smashed in."

With a soft noise, part laugh and part groan, Jim stood up from the conference table and Leonard followed suit, grateful when Jim steadied his balance. Leonard's right leg was stiff and sore from knee to ankle. When he had to pick, he'd decided to use the numbing agent on his arm and left the leg to its aches and pains.

Spock was informed, "We'll be in the med bay, Mr. Spock." Then Jim moved towards the exit, saying good-naturedly, "What a crazy adventure, huh, Bones?"

"You bet," the doctor agreed. He stopped short of the threshold to glance back at Spock. "You probably think we made a mess of things, but you might find this helps your case."

"What case would that be?" Spock asked, tone abnormally quiet.

Leonard blinked at him. "Not being married to Jim, or to any human for that matter." He sighed and felt tired all of a sudden. "You can definitely annul a marriage if your partner's married to somebody else."

"I did not ask you to wed Jim."

"No, and that wasn't my plan either." He heard Jim call his name from the corridor. "Look, don't worry about it, Spock. Jim and I will work things out. We always do." He paused, settling on a truth he thought help ease any guilt. "Believe it or not, I kind of figured I might end up married to that infant someday. Call it karma or cosmic fate, or just the fact he puts up with my bullshit better than anyone else."

"Doctor..."

Leonard didn't want to argue anymore. "I'll be in Sickbay with Jim. Try not to comm him unless it's dire. I'm pretty certain he cracked a rib so I'm going to slip him a sedative. Otherwise he won't rest properly."

"Understood."

Spock did not follow him from the conference room. Leonard felt relieved.

* * *

"You are troubled."

"Yes," Spock stated, seeing no need to deflect. "I must ask you a question."

Ambassador Spock inclined his head.

"How did you learn to recognize the value of something which is not appreciated?"

"One must first understand why one does not appreciate it—and if that is indeed the truth of one's feelings and desires. The irony, Spock, is that when I finally accepted I had deceived myself, there was no one left with whom I could share my revelation."

Spock considered this answer for some seconds. His other self respectfully allowed for the silence. At last, he had to ask, "What was it that you valued most?"

"A simple thing, which unites all life-forms across the universes." The Vulcan's dark eyes were calm and steady from the viewscreen. They might have glistened. "To love, and to be loved in return."

"I... understand."

"I hope you do, _nu'riveh_. If there is one learning I would impart to you, it is this: do not fear what you do not know, for you are in the company of those who would help you understand it."

They ended the transmission there, wordlessly lifting their hands in the symbol of Vulcan. Spock had much to think upon, and did so.

* * *

"This is like one of those bad dreams that don't go away," Leonard muttered to himself. More loudly, he said, "What the hell are we doing back here?" He fully expected to be answered.

Jim continued observing their surroundings. Sulu shrugged. Uhura studied Spock's back through narrowed eyes. Spock, as always when things made no sense, appeared remarkably calm.

That agitated Leonard. He snuck up to the Vulcan's side and 'accidentally' prodded him with his elbow. "You'd better have a good reason for this," he warned. "I'm getting hives just standing here."

Spock looked at him sharply. "Are you having an allergic reaction, Doctor?"

Leonard rolled his eyes and sighed. "Never mind. I forget sometimes how literal-minded you are."

"So," Jim said, coming to stand beside them, "I know I said I wouldn't ask when you made this request, Spock, but please tell me I'm not about to marry Uhura, too."

"I heard that, Captain!" Nyota called.

Leonard chuckled. "You'd never survive her, Jim."

Jim scratched at his arm and pretended he didn't want to look in his Chief Communications Officer's direction. "It wouldn't feel right to be married to somebody you can't be on a first-name basis with."

"Amen."

"Gentlemen," Spock interrupted. "I believe the priest has arrived."

The priest had arrived. In fact, he arrived in full ceremonial attire (robes and headdress and all) and with what looked like a small army of flower girls at his back prepared for the galaxy's biggest wedding.

Leonard broke out into a cold sweat. "Oh no."

The priest, a descendant of the imperial Kazon line, made a sweeping gesture with his arms that beckoned the landing party forward.

Leonard started backwards. "What's going on?" he demanded.

Jim looked between Spock and McCoy before his gaze skipped over to Sulu. "Uh, in all seriousness, guys, who am I marrying this time?"

Sulu immediately flipped open his communicator. "Sulu to Enterprise. We're going to need a beam-out, like _now_."

Jim whipped out his communicator too and said into it, "Kirk here. Scotty! Scotty? We REALLY need a—"

Spock stole the communicator from Jim. Leonard's hands fumbled belatedly at his belt but it wouldn't have mattered anyway—no one had given _him_ a communicator.

"Enterprise, this is Commander Spock. Delay that order."

Jim looked at Sulu, stricken, and Sulu looked back at him.

"Hikaru, man, you know we're like brothers, right? Like blood brothers?"

"With all due respect, sir, I am _not_ marrying you."

Jim rocked back on his heels with a fervent "Thank you!"

While Leonard might have found this exchange amusing, he was too busy watching Spock. The priest inclined his head at Spock, and Spock subtly inclined his head in return. A flower girl started heading towards Leonard. Another, smiling broadly, went straight for Jim.

The priest began to speak. Uhura translated: "It is with the gratitude of my people that I say we thank you for preventing a grave mistake. Under your Federation, as was told to me, no man shall take for himself more than one partner unless he does so _collectively_ and within the same vow." He pointed from Kirk to Spock. "We have wedded you, James Tiberius Kirk, All-Seer of the Gods, to the Great Spock—" And then he pointed to Leonard. "—and wedded you to the Fierce McCoy but by your laws it cannot be so. Therefore I dissolve those bonds—"

Leonard held his breath. Wait, so he wasn't married to Jim anymore? And what about Spock?

The priest threw his hands up to the sky. "—and join you to them BOTH!"

Someone threw flower petals at Leonard's head. To the side, Uhura did a slow clap. Sulu looked like he was caught between flabbergasted and on the verge of guffawing.

Jim blew off the pink flower petals that clung to his mouth. "Somehow," he said, "I feel like I'm always the last to know about these things."

"The _last_ to know?" the words exploded out of Leonard. "NOBODY TOLD ME ANYTHING! This trussed-up quack's out of his mind! What the hell did he just do?"

"To answer your question, Doctor, I believe we are now married to one another with equal status."

"It was Spock's idea," Nyota volunteered.

Clutching at Jim's arm, Leonard rounded on Spock, at a loss of words—until, that is, he found them. "Jim, he's... he's out of his _Vulcan mind!_ Your goddamn first officer is out of his Vulcan mind!"

"Ow, ow, Bones, can you just...not so tight...?" Jim eased the doctor's vicious grip from his forearm. "Spock, I have to agree with Bones here. How is it logical to..." Jim trailed off, looking like he didn't know what to label the past five minutes.

"Captain, it is very logical. On the basis that I was married to you, and you were married to McCoy, in fact nullified both marriages. Therefore the agreement for the mining of the moons was invalid. Should any other... outside party have seen fit to verify the terms of our arrangement, they would have determined such and contested the rights of the Federation, in part accusing us of willful deception to a race ignorant of our laws and customs."

"Yes, very logical, Mr. Spock," Jim said faintly. "So you told them?"

"I merely informed them what a legal marriage consists of. In particular, since they seemed adamant you stayed married to Dr. McCoy and myself—" He glanced at Uhura.

She nodded. "_Very_ adamant."

"—it was prudent to admit marriages of three or more persons were acknowledged in the Federation."

Leonard put a hand over his eyes. "I'm going to kill Old Spock."

He heard Spock say, "I do not follow, Dr. McCoy."

"This is all that kooky old bastard's fault!" claimed Leonard, removing his hand to stare into Spock's face. "You talked to him, didn't you?"

Something which could be surprise flickered through the Vulcan's eyes.

"Yeah," Leonard decided, "you did. Damn it, Spock! There's a reason Jim and I don't call him at every turn, to solve every problem!"

"Uh-huh," Jim agreed slowly, seeming to catch on to the conversation. "That would be because it's his master plan to get us together before we turn forty."

Spock just stared at them blankly.

Jim shook his head and gave Leonard a look. Leonard could interpret it well enough. "Well, he's won this round, Jim. What next?"

"Don't know, Bones. What comes after marriage?"

"Kids," Leonard answered promptly.

They looked at Spock.

His expression turned faintly ill. "Children are illogical."

"Especially pointy-eared ones," quipped Leonard. "God help us all. I'm going back to the ship now. Somebody give me their communicator."

"Jim," Spock said as Leonard tried to bargain for Uhura's communicator, "I do not understand. Ambassador Spock did not conceal information or attempt to lie to me. He was genuine in what he shared."

"Of course he was, he's you. But there's a thing we humans say, Spock, about being honest: 'It is a fine thing to be honest, but it is also very important to be right.'"

"Then he is not right?"

"I never said that." Jim smiled. "Spock, whether he's right or wrong, only time will tell _us_ that."

"Because it's not something that can be dictated by someone else," Leonard added as he rejoined them. He held up his empty hands. "Uhura won't cave. She wants us to go together. In my opinion, that's another one we've got to keep an eye on."

Jim huffed out a laughter. Then he nodded at Spock. "Commander."

Spock flipped open the communicator in his hand. "Spock to Enterprise. Commence with transport."

As the tingling sensation of the transporter effect began to take hold, Leonard said, "Not that I care or anything, but I've been getting a lot of funny looks from Scotty's people. You think they know something's up?"

"They couldn't," Jim replied. "Sulu and Uhura wouldn't say anything."

"Huh," murmured the doctor, "maybe I was just imagining it."

Then his molecules broke apart and flew towards the ship alongside Spock's and Jim's.

_-Fini_

* * *

**nu'riveh** - young one


End file.
